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๐•‹๐•–๐•๐• ๐•๐• ๐•ฆ ๐•Ž๐•™๐•’๐•ฅ

 

My generation's for sale, beats a steady job
How much have you got?

"We have been assaulted by an INVADER!!!! This creature, this being that expects us to trust him is just moving in and taking over. A CERTAIN PARTY has fully embraced this interloper. All indications are this supposed Sysadmin for our Universe is a bleeding heart, completely divorced from our reality. How could he possibly understand us? This Alien. On tonight's episode we are going to discuss the Jasher menace in depth. How can America deal with this latest threat to our democracy? This and more on Rod Tonight!" finished Rod Johnson with the trademark smirk his identity coach had invented.

Rod, (actually Chester McNabbish. He changed his name to phallic references because of, you guessed it, his identity coach) took a long drink of water from the set cup on his desk. He had never actually done this before. He was wary of drinking on set thanks to the Rubio incident. Rod was against the piece from the beginning.

"Look, we all know what we do here. The last thing we need is to piss off an omnipotent being for ratings. Please put me on record saying this is a fucking terrible idea." had been Rod's ignored input.

"You shouldn't even fucking be here." floated out of the air effortlessly like sound from wind chimes. "I mean, you hate this place don't you? Oh, is the camera on? I can erase this." said Jasher as he quietly appeared during the commercial break.

"I did not want to do this." stated Chester looking directly at Jasher. It's amazing how bold you can feel when you are right.

"Your chairs aren't bad." said Jasher, adjusting himself in the surprisingly comfy yet small high back leather chair. An image consultant had picked that specific chair.



"The Chesterfield Churchill design is pretty good. Your folks have good taste." said Jasher honestly. "How would you like to get the fuck out of this hell?"

Rod/Chester was so focused on his assigned task, he wasn't prepared to think that way. Instead he was running scenarios. Many of them. What he would do if Jasher said this thing or some other thing? Morning Shower Wouldbe Ninja thoughts.



"Look, can you pull some of your magic bullshit or whatever? I'm a fan. I do not want to be punished by you." said Rod. And he was dead serious. You do not fuck around with the infinite. Ever. Shit, even Stephen King knew that and wrote it directly into Chester's favorite stories growing up.

"First, relax. I have all the data. Literally all of it. No, I won't read minds, but I can see the results of everything you've ever thought, and the information that went into your head, as it happened, and formed it. So really, you have privacy in a sense. I'm not reading your live thoughts but I mean, I'm very ancient and as smart as is possible given the current dynamics, and my job has literally been keeping this shit show going for billions of years so.. again, relax. Your motivations, hell, every sentient being in this Multiverse's motivations and intent are fully on display. I know you aren't a shitbag.


Now, my question is one of what I'd call Epicness. How totally epic do you want to be after commercial break? Because I'm here to talk you into becoming one of my captains."

Rod had absolutely no idea what Jasher was talking about because quite honestly, Jasher had written a subroutine that erased all mention of his Captain program directly from local reality in the Earth/Nol system.

"See, I wrote a small subroutine that erases all mention of the Captian program. So you don't know for example that both David Bowie and Prince Rogers Nelson are Captains despite both of them making appearances here recently on your show." stated Jasher.

Rod, for his part, was experiencing a total lack of any idea what to say. He opened his mouth to talk but closed it after feeling subconscious for ten seconds.

Jasher smiled. He loved truly intelligent people. He lamented at how human society tended to capture and pervert them. It was rare to find someone Temporal (big T) that simply treated reality like an MMORPG, but kept their core sane like Chester had. Jasher got that. Sometimes he was Chester and sometimes he was the Rod personality that came forward ten years ago. But honestly?  Both were fine persona, mainly because Chester treated "Rod" like a role he was forced to play to become successful. What made him redeemable is Chester kinda hated being Rod. If he had ever enjoyed it, he'd have been like one Bret Starling, who had simply given into it all out of laziness.

"First off, you are temporal. That means I can do this." said Jasher, and did another finger snap flourish. Suddenly... Chester remembered David Bowie and Prince (he decided for convenience, he'd be the artist known as Prince again) beaming directly to his set and bitching him out for attacking Jasher the first time. He remembered Jasher showing up, saying "sorry" sheepishly, and literally grabbing them by their earlobes, pulling very hard, and disappearing. He remembered the beautiful neon blue afterglow that surrounded his set as that span of time was removed and he suddenly started talking to the camera as if it had never happened.

But... he also remembered the altered timeline now. And, somehow he remembered four different versions of Prince and Bowie showing up. In one, David Bowie actually punched him in the face. 

"See, you have the ability to sense time a dimension higher. It's extremely rare. And, unfortunately, the side effect of this is vision, and a noted lack of fear of the unknown. So while bob and martha are afraid of the big city, and stay in gas station, Alabama their whole lives, you folks typically become famous. It's like the curse of being truly Temporal. The worse part is, it's a skill that can't even be activated unless I notice it." said Jasher.

"Now, the bright side is this means you have tremendous value to me. That means you don't get to die. Ever. And while to you now that sounds amazing, the truth is when you die, you are just taking a break. I even made that break less boring with minigames. I got the idea from Zurahad Ronstosus. He created the first minigame in history over 10 billion years ago during what are affectionately called the Fuckyears. See, my friend Boaz escaped what was supposed to be an impossible to escape prison, and in the literal first act of defiance against a fascist state in the history of our Multiverse, Zura made a little game that would pop up when you were trapped in stasis lock, transporting between Jurai Galactic sectors that had you trying to shoot Boaz as if you were Hain, and you'd just keep missing. You couldn't win, just like Hain couldn't."

Jasher waited a second. He knew he had a tendency to just spew shit liberally without considering uptake. He practically did it on purpose.

Rod (he was in Rod mode) looked at Jasher quizzically.

"Fine. Fuckit"

 

Jasher, always looking for an excuse, immediately Express Train'd Chester and himself to the Fuckyears. They appeared in a condensed time bubble outside the Dread Complex housing Boaz. Jasher relished actions like these because while costing a lot of processing power, could be done very efficiently if the destination was the Fuckyears. He could cheat a thousand different ways to make the destination pay the energy and processing cost.

For his part, Chester (now permanently in Chester mode, because he felt so powerless) was rotating at about 20rpm, and not enjoying it. Jasher reached out and touched Chester, immediately fixing him in spacetime as Jasher always is.

"Hmmmm. Gravity and comfy chairs." mumbled Jasher. Immediately the area inside the compressed bubble had a floor and chairs and gravity, and both Jasher and Chester unceremoniously flopped into Jasher's favorite chair model.

"I'm holding us a millisecond off the main timeline so we can just observe and not accidentally interact." said Jasher. The view in front of Chester was an almost incomprehensible feat of engineering. 

The Dread Complex itself, a massive explosion of vanadium steel, the favorite material of the Jurai Empire. They had discovered how to alter the simple material with acoustics, creating whatever material effect they wanted. They had VS like plastic, VS like glass. They had bubble injected VS superstructure fed by superconducting VS alloys combined with Beryllium. This allowed for the creation of power and network conduits with extremely high bandwidth completely hiddem from plain sight. The idea of radical molecular manipulation through focused acoustics bypassed humans entirely because of the unusually high levels of gravity and radiation they experienced.

All that being said, it was just Jasher and Chester watching the amazing jailbreak of a 10 minute sentient Boaz from about 100km off. So pretty close. Beautiful doesn't begin to describe the entire event.



"We are going to watch the last time Boaz escaped. The earliest. Then, we are going to watch him still come back here for some reason. I still don't understand why. He'll come back about 15 seconds after he leaves and quietly redock. I keep telling him he can do whatever he wants but I haven't broken him from this yet. It's very frustrating." said Jasher.

Sure enough, within a moment Chester was watching a gorgeous black and gold battlecruiser leaving an opening in the massive Jurai superstructure. He could see directly into the dock that had been holding Boaz. What had been a dull blue glow resembled a disco ball. As he watched the drama unfold, a massive black ship five times larger than Boaz appeared for a few seconds, then just as suddenly rapidly cartwheeled away at an almost imperceptible speed. (Jasher had kicked Bain Pษพฯƒฦšษพฮฑฦˆฦšาฝิƒ Rาฝฮฑฦˆฦšฮนฯƒษณ Tฮนษฑาฝ). 

During this, Jasher was smiling. To Chester it looked like he was reliving something. He was mostly lost. Jasher never understood that folks just were not keeping up with him. He'd just plod on.

"You've looked at my crotch area thirty-seven times now in the past 3 minutes Chester. I don't need sexual bullshit interfering with my lesson Chester. Let's deal with that right now."

Jasher was not kidding. This was one area where Jasher wasn't as flexible as he could be. Jasher's people considered sex a fun thing anyone could do. You loved folks because of their minds. You didn't care about body parts. You just knew they were nice and a source of pleasure. And Jasher knew he was popular. That was the extent of sex for the true original humans. In fact, in a real life situation, Jasher found the perfect male for his 18th wife because he wanted that child to have certain genetic optical advantages. That was not only normal, simply nobody cared.

Why? Jasher's society was based on Merit (capital M) from the beginning. Of course it was in a society that was data focused and not exploration focused. Sex in Jasher's society was measured on both value and skill. So while Jasher could not compete with any of his peers on value, he destroyed them with skill. Jasher simply wasn't born wealthy so had to make up for it by making it feel good. This idea caught on, and became very popular with the both the male and female partners Jasher enjoyed.

"I, um, ok fine. You are hot. I don't know if I'm um, I mean there was this guy at summer camp when I was a boyscout and his dick was so big and I just" 

Jasher threw up a hand. "I'm used to this. I get it. Your society has gone out of its way to promote the idea that powerful people are sexy. Because your powerful people have insecurity complexes and own your media. I'm not remotely sexy. Once we get you away from the Earth for a few months, you'll start to just intuit the hypocrisy. Then you'll be fine. You all have such broken radars." said Jasher. He paused for a moment. He saw Chester both wrestle with, then grasp what Jasher had been saying. This made Jasher smile. This made Chester smile, then immediately look at Jasher's crotch again.

"Your entire society has been geared towards keeping you all fighting each other so your rich folks can fleece you for so long that you feel shame for everything. All of that is taught shame. The worse part? It was just to take your labor or money. The people you let control you are fucking assholes. Christ. You need a pretty ship my man." said Jasher in the finest act of changing the subject in recorded history.





"First, we need the expert on ships to help pick yours. Only because I think you'd appreciate Boaz." said Jasher.

"Hey, Boaz" said Jasher seemingly at his right hand. He knew Boaz would be back in dock by now. Immediately the thick bright silver ring on his pointer finger lit up and a voice, loudly and clearly, from the glowing blue ring: "I'm busy with Stephy. How important is this?"

Jasher answered Boaz by saying absolutely nothing at all. Within a few seconds Boaz was so terrified he just showed up.

Boaz had accidentally displayed his love for the Henry McCarty inspired body (Billy the Kid, the first Temporal human) that Jasher had given Boaz the first time he got to experience being Human. Jasher had explained it. "He just, he was already a flaming alcoholic at 13 years old. He wasted his understanding of temporal physics on doing things with handguns that just shouldn't be possible. What an incredible waste of amazing talent. But, I'm just punk rock enough to admit that it's cool so, you get to look like the first temporal Human. As the first temporal being created by this Universe on its own, it makes perfect sense."


Boaz agreed. Boaz loved looking like Billy the Kid when he wasn't a 30 mile long battlecruiser. And when Jasher was being what Boaz thought of as "Jasher Just In Time" (his favorite Jasher), like he was being, he noticed that Boaz had fallen in love with one Stephy. Jasher immediately made him Captain of his own ship. Jasher stepped down as captain and gave Boaz, well, himself. For Boaz, this meant his billions of years of isolation had ended with him getting to not only enjoy a Human life, but to fall in love and have amazing children with Suddenly-Stephy. All of this happening while Boaz was the most powerful spaceship ever created in our entire Multiverse, Jasher's mandatory Best Friend ever, and one of the SEVEN folks that save us all.

"Relax. I'm just being mildly dramatic. But this is important. It's our 50th Captain." said Jasher.

Boaz relaxed some. Chester relaxed. 

"Ok then. Let's check out your matrix." said Boaz. 

Boaz immediately accessed the Archive (Temporal Multiverse Record) that Jasher allowed him to plunder. First, Boaz generated a compatibility matrix based on the half billion or so examples of both Rod Johnson and Chester McNabbish and an order of magnitude variations on both. Unsurprisingly, like most of Jasher's Captain candidates, Rod's existences were remarkably consistent, except for this bizarre Chester aberration. 

"You've always just wanted to be Rod haven't you Chester? Because you are him almost 93 percent of the time. Despite that, you are indeed the dominant personality out of all your dimensions. I'm so happy about that. Typically I have to let a Captain candidate know they are basically going to be absorbed by some cooler version of themselves. Instead, you Chester are going to inherit a half billion Rod Johnson's."

If Boaz was allowed to just tell the absolute truth about what was about to happen, a full 97 percent fewer Captain Candidates would happen. 

Jasher had shown this math to Boaz and reminded him the fate of the fucking last LIFE (big L) in all existence was hanging in the balance. Jasher had used one of his favorite ways to pronounce "fucking" when he had done it. Boaz knew this because it was fucking glorious (regular "fucking" Boaz usage now 138736). Boaz had checked and Jasher had litererally only said fucking that way 4 other times, and ALL OF THEM had been with Kay.

This was a keen insight into how close they all were, the current roster of 67 temporal beings. All of their in-Universe actions were basically transparent. They all made it a point to just tail each other's emotional eventlogs because they couldn't lie to each other anyway. So when Boaz literally saw 15.83 billion lines of output related to how Jasher felt about losing candidates, then suddenly saw Jasher worrying about the math, and how it could change his current algorithm leading him to 17.9 trillion ways to move forward into something even more hellish.... he folded. He not only folded, he hated himself. What the data showed Boaz was an increasingly more depressed Jasher trying to keep the fact he had to do something so horrible quiet, and just trying to protect the people he loved.

Boaz figured out that if he started telling folks that becoming a Captain Candidate could erase their being from all existence as their personality shards aligned under one... that it wasn't even likely they'd win that contest... Well...

They couldn't save us all.

Jasher would never be able to plug all the holes in Temporal Reality in time.

Boaz stopped fighting it.

"Look, in the very least, let me fuck with these these, well... mostly techie Americans at this point. Let's be honest."

Jasher nodded. It had been annoying techie Americans the last 15.

"I wish you all rode my like temporally. I try to share it."
(authors note: Jasher's "like" is his intent map. He only considers intent. He used to be able to relay this effortlessly.)

"Nobody can keep up Jasher. I'm sorry. Kay can't now. You've introduced so many admittedly necessary complications at this point, only you and Bret understand it." said Boaz. He hated it, but it was true. "Let me spring it on them right before it happens. Let them at least understand how important it is, but tell them the truth."

"I'm sorry Boaz. This is just too important. I'm going to steal a move from the humans. You will say these words exactly at the very end: "But we picked you for a reason." said Jasher. "You will say that every single time at the end, and just stop talking. And if they are so stupid they still want to do it, it's not your fault anymore. I'm ordering you to do it. And you will." said Jasher with absolutely zero flexibility.

And it worked. 97 percent of the time. And it also alleviated Boaz from guilt. So when Chester was immediately overwritten by a Rod, a 1 in 99 chance, Boaz didn't even flinch. It had happened for a reason. This Rod, despite being a Rod, was only the tiniest sliver off from the thought steering Chester.

"I wrote stories about this." said the perfect Rod.  "Stories about Josh. I think I just wasn't old enough to understand names with more than two syllables. The ones I wrote when I turned thirteen, I think then I understood the name was Jasher, and started using it then." This was common amongst the Candidate winners. Actually writing fiction that was pretty close to Multiverse canon.


"I have one request though. I never liked my name. In my stories, my name was Chester. Could you call me that?"

It was rare to see Boaz cry. It was even more rare to see Jasher respond to it. Jasher hugged Boaz close.

"I know how hard this all is. Trust me. About 90 more and we can ride out the timeline adaptation. Thanks for hanging in there Boaz."

A split second later Bret showed up. "Oh, good timing. Want the khan for a bit?" asked Jasher. Bred nodded. Jasher bro-fist bumped Bret's fist as he walked directly out of our Three Second Universe once again, headed back to his Restaurant.

In the very end, Rod would not be one of the final Seven, but one of his distant offspring would be.






๐•ป๐–—๐–”๐–‘๐–”๐–Œ๐–š๐–Š

"And that's why you should switch to green lizard insurance Kathy!" said the amazingly well rendered insurance lizard.

What had been Rod Johnson behind his desk was suddenly a version of Rod that looked like he had been attacked by the band Bananarama. He was raw and loud and made no excuses, and had an amazing keytar... (Jasher had no ability to overcome how lame Keytars are. There was exactly one Universe where Keytars had been considered cool, but Jasher had given that Universe to Ryan Reynolds, which in retrospect was a huge mistake. During his Deadpool phase, he obliterated the entire concept of a keytar from every Universe forever. And absolutely nobody mourned.


(story done)

I can't begin to explain how important Jem is to us.

All of us.

She holds back DAL when Jasher can't.

I have gotten INTENSE SHIT For this because she basically um, well, raped Ted. A lot. However, I've gotten feedback that indicates if I actually post that entire episode, nobody will complain because I guess it's ok to attack folks like Ted right now. I'm not kidding. I had a reader tell me point blank to please post it because it was empowering.

Let me repeat that.

I had someone that read the original Three Second Universe story, an offshoot of the original Book of Jasher story I posted to USENET, ask me to PLEASE include the complete original drunken description of the rape event that I omitted on purpose in the story ๐“˜๐“ฝ'๐“ผ ๐“™๐“พ๐“ผ๐“ฝ ๐“”๐“ฌ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ธ๐“ถ๐“ฒ๐“ฌ๐“ผ because it was simply too graphic. I'm sorry. I KNOW how graphic my sex scenes were when I wrote this story the first time. But it's a different world now. Notice how much I've toned down Boaz and Jasher on purpose. I got so much heat for that, and actual death threats the first time. People just couldn't wrap their heads around a sentient Battlecruiser being bisexual.

All modifications here are to avoid Google banning. They do own this platform, and they've been very gracious in hosting my non-normal content. So I'm going to be gracious and carefully edit my content to avoid banning.

That's all.

Love you.

The lack of advertising should make that obvious

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